Advent: Dec 7

O Christmas Shrift

Are Flocked Trees Messy?

If you buy your flocked Christmas tree from the store, it shouldn’t be too messy at all.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I believed these lies last year when investigating what kind of artificial tree I might invest in. The above deception is from an article in Southern Living Magazine. They lied. I have always trusted Southern Living Magazine to teach me, a girl from out west, how to live as a proper lady in the south. They lied so hard. Liars. Someone’s pants are definitely on fire somewhere at SLM.

This is year two with this beautiful abomination. I’m really dreading setting it up this afternoon because the flocking is an absolute nightmare mess. Connecting the three tree sections and floofing out the branches is going to cover the entire floor with whatever that fake snow on the needles is. Is it asbestos? Because, I mean, it feels like maybe it’s asbestos.

My dog will try to eat it. Now during the holiday season we have to worry about her dying from chocolate, poinsettia AND this toxic flocky blizzard molt. I’m not sure my vacuum cleaner is going to survive another year of this. I’m not sure I am going to survive another year of this. There is a warning in the instructions:

Caution: May cause irritation to skin and eyes

Yeah, and they might have added to that “May irritate the ever loving daylights out of you from the moment you put it up to the day you take it down.” I have regrets, deep regrets, about committing to a flocked Christmas tree. I have mammoth buyer’s remorse. I really wanted to donate it and be done before the season. But I can’t justify the price of this thing for just one Christmas. I’m going to force myself to suffer through one more year as penance, an unforgettable lesson to myself: Don’t listen to those bastards at Southern Living Magazine.

I am here tonight to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate.

Let this post be a cautionary tale to you, good reader. As Marley admonished Scrooge, hear me now before it’s too late. Save yourselves from the yuletide woes of a white Christmas tree. It’s the modern equivalent of a hairshirt. I repent of this purchase.

I pray you are having a better experience with your Christmas tree than I am.